There are two rabbit trails that my mind has been down the last few days. Very, very different trails. But both come back to the central idea of love.
The first makes me angry. I'm not very good at being angry. It's one of those emotions that the Christian church really suppresses, probably for good reasons for the most part. But there are times we are supposed to be angry... a righteous anger, it is sometimes called. My frustration is toward one of the mothers here. Her son has recently suffered some post-op complications and has to stay longer than expected. She, however, desperately wants to go home. This is understandable since she has been here for a couple months and has left 4 other children at home. We are really trying to talk to her and see what is causing her such distress. This culture doesn't always treat women the best. Some of these women have very supportive husbands, others not so much. This mother refuses to share any details with us that could clarify why she is so upset and wants to leave so badly. This week they were supposed to go home, but her son relapsed. When we took him back to the hospital, she wanted to leave him there and come back to Shevet. She even said she didn't care if he died. She wants to go home. My heart breaks for her son. She sad this right in front of him. I know there has to be a deeper issue... something she isn't saying. We pray for her constantly. If you think of it... would you as well? This is the first time I have seen this problem. Most of the mothers are so loving and tender towards their children. Even if they really want to go home they put on a good face for the kids. There has to be a bigger problem here... A reason she cannot love.
The other trail my mind is on has happened during my morning workouts. Thank you to my soccer coach for motivating me to get up early and stay in shape! These times are great for thinking and processing life. At first this made me nervous. I asked a friend earlier this spring if questions are a good thing. I'm still asking that question. Sometimes I feel like people don't want to ask really hard questions. They are content with the answer they have, however shallow or deep it is, and don't want to evaluate if they have it right. I have felt belittled the past couple months when I wasn't willing to accept the answers people want to give.
Then I thought back to something I had studied with Professor Loy in Political Philosophy that John Stuart Mill had written. He talked about opinions and how all should be listened to, but the thing from his writings that I took away during my morning musings is that questions are a good thing. If we question a fact or opinion and find it to be true, great, it's still true. If we question if and find it to be false, we can throw it out. But few things are usually completely false, instead there are glimpses of truth in them that must be considered.
Living in this city where three religions clash has made me sincerely question what is different about Christianity. On our street I can find orthodox followers of each of those religions, and I am sure if I asked them all, they would insist they knew the truth. How then do I know that this religion that I claim is different? Especially since each of these share similar elements. Which has partial truth or no truth vs. the whole truth? To go on a full explanation of my wandering mind would take far too much time, but the essence of what I came down to is love. All three of these religions have laws, rules everyone is to live by. But Christianity is the only one where God came to us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not perfect. Never will be no matter how hard I try. But God knows that. He knew that I could never be enough. So He gave me Jesus. Jesus is the solution to my imperfection and the answer to all the questions I have. So for now, I am content with the basic truths- I am a sinner, Christ is a Savior- and seek answers for the other questions I am puzzling over.